The Hurt and Hope When A Relationship Comes To An End
Our Love & Relationships columnist Min G reflects on the silver lining that comes with lost love and heartbreak.| October 26, 2017
Dear readers of YOYOKULALA.com, it’s Min (@girlwhocriedwolf) and I am here to dish out all my dirt on love, relationships and everything else in-between. Get ready, because this column is going to be your new guilty pleasure. It is going to be no-holds-barred, brutally honest and hella entertaining. You have been forewarned – I am no expert or love guru. But hey, given my dating portfolio (which I am pretty proud of if I may add), I may know a thing or two.
To pick up on where I last left you guys, I want to talk more about what love and relationships mean to me. We are all on our own quest for love and there are many different objectives people want out of the romantic connections we make with one another. For most, the end goal of a serious relationship is marriage and starting a family. For others, it’s finding a sense of belonging or fulfilment.
For myself, it’s definitely the latter. I love falling and being in love – it’s something that is high up on the list of my priorities in life. I am a die-hard romantic and creating memories as I float in a sea of love and subsequently drowning in sorrow is something that I thoroughly enjoy and pursue. Rinse, repeat. Even the sorrowful bit is something I look forward to. Maybe because I am the eternal optimist and the greatest lesson I have learnt to date is that there is a lesson to be learnt out of everything good or bad that happens to you. I feel that as long as you have that simple mentality and attitude towards life itself, nothing bad can ever really get to you – not even the pain of someone you love giving up on the “us” and falling out of love with you.
As I am writing this, I am fresh out of a complicated committed-non-committed relationship that has been ongoing (and off-going) for the past year. The basis of it was pure and uncomplicated; we were wildly in love and the attraction was magnetising. But it was everything else that made it complicated.
But, even though it was semi non-committal (mostly because it was long distance, amongst a multitude of other bumps and hurdles), I knew I was overly emotionally attached and my feelings were always 100 percent committed to him, therefore barring me from having any sort of emotional relationship with anyone else. That also explains why I was into short-term relationships, primarily because I was too emotionally unavailable to even want to try forming any real relationships with
No regrets, though, it was an amazing run and I have a lot to take away from this chapter coming to its finality. In an ideal loved-up universe, we never want to see the end of a relationship, but it has to happen when the timing calls for it. This conclusion and closure is something I embrace wholly, because it gives me absolute certainty that we had fought the good fight and lost, and it’s now time to move on from it to a new page and adventure. It’s a bittersweet feeling of freedom, gratitude and relief.
I knew from the get-go that this relationship was not going anywhere: he is a lot younger than I am (oops, #sorrynotsorry) and we’re both on very different paths in our lives, with him just starting a new life at university overseas and myself working on my career and enjoying a much slower-paced life. I also had a more seasoned understanding of love, which made me very confident of my feelings and what to do with them, but not so much for him.
But, even with the nagging feeling of “us” crashing and burning at any given moment constantly looming over us, we fell recklessly in love. And thus began our year long love affair of incredible highs and devastating lows. I was always hopeful and optimistic that maybe, just maybe it would work out, somehow, someday. He on the other hand, was always questioning if we should put the brakes on and walk away before falling deeper into this abyss of everything-ness and nothingness. For an entire year, it was a game of push and pull of intense feelings of love and loss. I once said this to him, which still stands true for me (and him), and it’s something that I have completely surrendered to, coming from all the lessons heartbreak has taught me, time and again:
It doesn’t matter when it ends, because at least it happened and we shared this super special period of our lives together. These things never go away… You’ll just carry on with life after and forever have a part of this person living within you… which is what’s going to happen when you leave me.
It’s awfully sad, but realistically, I think what’s important is that we should always be mindful that life is full of uncertainties and everything at any given moment is transient. Change truly is the only constant and we should always be open and adaptable to whatever comes our way, be it falling in or out of love. Every relationship we go through is the perfect opportunity to get to know ourselves more introspectively – who we are right at our rawest and most vulnerable, coming face-to-face with the extremities of emotions we feel and how we grow and learn from all these discoveries about ourselves. As Chuck Palahniuk wrote, “Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everyone I’ve ever known.” I couldn’t agree more. We are all just individual beings made up of all the joy, hope, love, hurt, disappointment, heartbreak and sadness, good and bad shit through all the relationships (be it family, friends or romantic) that we have experienced and lived through.
With all that has been said and done, this relationship has taught me so much more and stretched me far beyond what I thought I was capable of. More than anything, I have a newfound respect for the
selflessness, maturity and growth that I can see within myself. Realising the extent of my selflessness is enlightening, for I always saw myself as a selfish and self-serving person. It really is interesting to see how every relationship changes you. The lessons that we take away from relationships and each others rights and wrongs is where the beauty of it lies. When feelings of being in love dissipates and the dust settles, what’s left of us as individuals, continuing on our own separate paths, is what truly matters. For that, I am happy and immensely grateful to come out a stronger person, with all these beautiful memories of this love that was once mine.
In closing, I’d like to push you to try and experience more than you have allowed yourself to; fall in love relentlessly, explore and get to know yourself better than you think you do, let yourself feel
everything you possibly can and allow yourself to walk away and move on from anything that no longer serves you, even if it scares you. Remember, everything happens for a reason and it all serves a greater purpose: helping you grow into the better person you are going to be tomorrow.